In a fog... (I apologize in advance that this post is all over the place)

We are less than 2 weeks away from surgery, and I feel like I am constantly in a fog.  I try to go about my day and normal duties, but find myself constantly thinking about surgery.  I literally get nauseous when I think about surgery.  I am having a very hard time sleeping at night.  I am terrified to hand my baby over to strangers who literally hold his life in their hands.  I am terrified to think that my little baby's skull is going to be completely taken apart and put back together again.  I am terrified to see my sweet baby VERY swollen, eyes swelled shut, bruising on his sweet little head and face, and the big incision that will go from ear to ear.  I am terrified that my baby will be in pain and will be so confused that he is suddenly in pain and won't be able to open his eyes.  Terrified is in fact an understatement to how I feel.

As strange as this might sound, I am so sad to think about the fact that my baby will never look the same again.  From the moment I saw him  when he was put on my chest at birth, I thought he was perfect and beautiful.  He will look very different after surgery, and that will be hard.  Other cranio moms say that is one of the very hardest parts because you literally don't recognize your baby.  Mason's head is beautiful and perfect to us, although I know it isn't structurally correct for his brain...  he NEEDS this, I know.  It is just so hard to imagine all this.

I have read other cranio blogs and have done more research on Craniosynostosis than I have done on any other subject in my life.  I have looked at pictures of other cranio babies after surgery.  I know what to expect.  But, I have been told by other cranio moms that no amount of seeing pictures of other babies can prepare you for when it is your own baby.  Makes perfect sense.  I.Am.So.Scared.

There is so much to do before surgery, and I just don't have the energy to do it.  I need to pack for our extended hospital stay.  I need to do some light shopping for Mason's needs.  He will only be able to wear button/zip pj's and outfits for quite some time, since nothing can be pulled over his head.  I am also trying to learn what I will need for myself at the hospital.  I know I will need a lot of comfy clothes, and hear that I will need extra clothes because I will most likely be vomited on.  Mason is still exclusively on breast milk, so at least that part is easy.  We need to decorate for Christmas and finish our Christmas shopping since I likely won't be able to do it after surgery.  Paperwork has to be filled out, and we somehow have to come up with $7,000.  It could be a lot worse, I know, but that is A LOT of money.  A surgery that will cost well over $100,000, will hopefully not cost us more than our $7,000 out of pocket maximum (please pray that is the case!).  We also need to prepare Easton for Mason's surgery.  I am not really sure how to go about that.  I pray he will be OK with us being gone for what will likely be 5 nights, and then seeing his baby brother swollen, bruised, and his incision.  Please pray that this is not hard on him!

Next week, we have an appointment with the plastic surgeon on Wednesday, and then our pre-op appointment on Thursday.  We also want to be sure to spend a lot of time together as a family and take lots and lots of pictures of Mason - I never want to forget every little bump on his sweet misshapen head.  I want to soak in every single detail.

Thank you as always from the bottom of our hearts for your support and prayers.  We truly love each and every one of you, even those of you we have never met!  God bless you all!